The Great Belonging Project: Day 19
“A group of second graders at an elementary school in Portsmouth, Ohop, petitioned their superintendent to create ‘buddy benches’ for their school’s playgrounds. The benches, which were installed in the spring of 2019, help students connect with each other during recess. When someone sits on a buddy bench, classmates know to approach the student and ask if they want to talk or play. Reflecting on the benches, one second grader said ‘It’s to make sure you always have someone there for you if you are going through a hard time.’” - The Great Belonging: How Loneliness Leads Us to Each Other
Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, but Tim and I helped start a church that we were members of for 15 years. For most of those years I held leadership positions with the women’s ministry, led small groups, and/or served as the small group coordinator.
While I’m so glad Tim and I left that church and denomination eight years ago, I am still able to honor and celebrate the good things I received during that period of time in my life.
One thing I learned is that when it comes to growing a deep sense of community and building friendships, everyone has to initiate. And everyone will feel like they are initiating more than everyone else.
The math is weird and doesn’t add up the way you think it should.
I discovered this dynamic when I was meeting with women in the church and I kept hearing the same sort of thing again and again. So many women felt left out and thought everyone else had friends but them. But too many people were telling me this for it to be true.
I began encouraging everyone to initiate first, to initiate more often. Even if they thought it was someone else’s turn to reach out. Even if it felt a little scary.
It worked. They did it. And these women discovered they were assuming a whole lot of things about everyone else’s friendships.
They stopped worrying about what they thought was happening when they weren’t around and became more comfortable initiating towards others, inviting people into their homes, setting up coffee dates, etc. Friendships blossomed and became more meaningful.
For The Great Belonging Project: Day 19, if you feel lonely in your existing friendships or if you want to grow the number of friends you have, try initiating first. Even if you don’t think you should have to. Even if it feels a little scary.
Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, if you like!
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